This next bit is great: aside from an in-character infant, something of an achievement, it's a bunch of oddly mundane concerns for a fictional character of this setting to have.
I nearly got whiplash in this little section, actually, because it went from that, to adorable babies, to grey Murasaki and OH RIGHT, she DIES. D: D: D: Much dismay was had that day. The whole bit with the noticing and the mentioning and brushing off a doctor's visit, and then doctor after all, specialist, etc. all reads as very true to life, I think. I proceed to appreciate but be sad at all of your sun similes.
Then you went into Nakamori building up a wall of beer cans, which was a very effective turn of phrase. I always like your metaphors, Touichi trying to reach him as the wall gets higher and higher very effectively encapsulates that entire series of events. Much better than the typical "drowning in alcohol" imagery, since... this conveys a sense of time passing? Or something. I just like it lots. As you may have noticed.
The two months later thing was a bit awkward, since I can't figure what it's two after. Two months after Murasaki's death? Two months after Touichi starts coming by "less and less?" I was a bit puzzled.
Aside from the time interval confusion, I cannot really isolate what my reaction was to the next bit, except to say that it took a drabble that was focused on a few characters and their lives, and then connected it to a much larger picture. It had an emotional and mental impact, as I completely rearranged the structure upon which I based what I knew of Touichi's motivations. Bam! Like that (or something). Assuming this is what you intended, you really pulled it off.
The last line illustrates the whole... notion? That makes this drabble so sad, though that's only my opinion, obviously. Nakamori's ignorance of the significance of background events throughout the drabble is really upsetting. It's, I don't know, something about knowing what's really going on versus being lied to. How people tend to build their lives on falsehoods that they create themselves, since if they really looked at them, they'd fall apart. Willfully blind, is that the term? Like when Murasaki is ill, and they both convince themselves it's nothing serious. Her death sort of illustrates the ultimate result of this sort of thing, since whatever you want to believe doesn't change reality. Actually, you do that a lot with Nakamori, I just realized that.
Wait a minute, this is s'possd to have something to do with a song. *listens* ...huh. I'm glad that inspired this?
This bit is not actually reviewing anything, I'm done! An actual review! Only four (or so) months late! And which was basically me writing down everything I liked and then adding grammar. I think this might actually be longer than the drabble itself. Whatever, I did warn you, so remember, you... did not ask for but did allow this. *nods*
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Late to the party, but I have actually arrived! With the second half of my review!
Date: 2011-03-27 02:10 am (UTC)I nearly got whiplash in this little section, actually, because it went from that, to adorable babies, to grey Murasaki and OH RIGHT, she DIES. D: D: D: Much dismay was had that day. The whole bit with the noticing and the mentioning and brushing off a doctor's visit, and then doctor after all, specialist, etc. all reads as very true to life, I think. I proceed to appreciate but be sad at all of your sun similes.
Then you went into Nakamori building up a wall of beer cans, which was a very effective turn of phrase. I always like your metaphors, Touichi trying to reach him as the wall gets higher and higher very effectively encapsulates that entire series of events. Much better than the typical "drowning in alcohol" imagery, since... this conveys a sense of time passing? Or something. I just like it lots. As you may have noticed.
The two months later thing was a bit awkward, since I can't figure what it's two after. Two months after Murasaki's death? Two months after Touichi starts coming by "less and less?" I was a bit puzzled.
Aside from the time interval confusion, I cannot really isolate what my reaction was to the next bit, except to say that it took a drabble that was focused on a few characters and their lives, and then connected it to a much larger picture. It had an emotional and mental impact, as I completely rearranged the structure upon which I based what I knew of Touichi's motivations. Bam! Like that (or something). Assuming this is what you intended, you really pulled it off.
The last line illustrates the whole... notion? That makes this drabble so sad, though that's only my opinion, obviously. Nakamori's ignorance of the significance of background events throughout the drabble is really upsetting. It's, I don't know, something about knowing what's really going on versus being lied to. How people tend to build their lives on falsehoods that they create themselves, since if they really looked at them, they'd fall apart. Willfully blind, is that the term? Like when Murasaki is ill, and they both convince themselves it's nothing serious. Her death sort of illustrates the ultimate result of this sort of thing, since whatever you want to believe doesn't change reality. Actually, you do that a lot with Nakamori, I just realized that.
Wait a minute, this is s'possd to have something to do with a song. *listens* ...huh. I'm glad that inspired this?
This bit is not actually reviewing anything, I'm done! An actual review! Only four (or so) months late! And which was basically me writing down everything I liked and then adding grammar. I think this might actually be longer than the drabble itself. Whatever, I did warn you, so remember, you... did not ask for but did allow this. *nods*