Hogan's Heroes: Lower, Faster, Deeper
Aug. 5th, 2010 08:38 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
what_we_dreamTitle: Lower, Faster, Deeper
Series: Hogan's Heroes
Pairing: None
Rating: G
Notes: Rather cracky
Summary: It started as a plan to fix the tunnel system and run a book on the side.
It started as a plan to fix the tunnel system. The summer was unnaturally hot, and the dry earth was falling in in nearly every branch of it, threatening not only danger to anyone caught in the tunnel but to the entire operation if the collapses became apparent from the surface. So they concocted the largest decoy plan they had ever run to cover up the heavy labour being done below the entire camp.
It ended up as a battle for barracks honour, personal pride, and a chance at winning a pot the entire camp was contributing to.
The Stalag 13 Olympics.
----------------------------------------
It became evident very early on that the decoy operation and the actual operation’s roles had become reversed. Barracks 6 was caught out and punished for assigning its least athletic men to the tunnel detail. Barracks 11 and 15, more cunning, ran time trials and collected information on their inhabitants’ past athletic performance and assigned those who didn’t excel in any of the events to be held to the dig. Barracks 8 and 20 signed up immediately for the night shifts.
Barracks 2, seeing the way things were going, immediately started running the official book.
----------------------------------------
“Why is LeBeau in the top five favoured for the sprint?” Hogan, who had learned long ago not to let the men get too far ahead of him with their private enterprises, flipped through the book which was unsurprisingly being kept in the main by Newkirk.
“All that running around with the dogs, sir, ‘e’s got to be fit. Besides, ‘e hardly smokes,” explained Newkirk, tapping his pencil on a row of figures beside the initial estimation.
“Kinch is high too,” mused Hogan, running his eyes down the list of names.
“Long legs, ‘varsity football team.”
“I notice you’ve put yourself down by the bottom, Newkirk.”
“Never was much for track and field, sir. I’m more a team sports man.”
“Yeah, there would be more wallets to steal,” said Hogan. “Hey, why I am I just above you?!”
“Over the ‘ill, sir,” said Newkirk, grinning. Hogan glared, and made to hand the book back before a name caught his eye.
“Wait, why is Carter last?”
“Non-starter, sir.”
Hogan considered, then nodded. “Yep, that sounds about right.”
----------------------------------------
Of course, most of the events were problematic, to say the least. Water sports were clearly out, despite the petitions by Barracks 6 and 13 to conduct diving in the water tower. Gymnastics and cycling were next to go. Equally weapon-sports were excluded, cashiering fenching, shooting, and, despite Carter’s protests, archery. No one even raised equestrian.
The final sports-list, as posted by Newkirk on all barracks bulletin boards, read:
1 team or competitor per barracks. Submit your list to Corporal Newkirk, barracks 2, no later than Wednesday.
Foot Race (100 yards, 500 yards, 1 mile)
Triathlon (1 mile running, 500 yards chair-vaulting, barracks-climb)
Plate-toss
Helmet-put
Football
Volleyball
Pairs Tennis
Arm Wrestling
Shultz-lifting cancelled by order of the Kommandant
500 yard piggy-back (note: partners must switch at 250 yard markthis means you Stillman)
----------------------------------------
Needless to say, each barracks ran its own tryouts. Also needless to say, with an estimated pot of several grand resting on the outcomes, secrecy reined supreme (lose lips sink bets).
Unfortunately, it was their prowess in events requiring the most space which each barracks was ignorant of. Several barracks – 6, as always, prominent among them leading to a rather predictable rhyme – attempted to run tests underground before Hogan caught them and threatened court-martial for even militarily unnecessary levels of stupidity. After that they did their best to conduct sprinting tests inside (failure), outside at night (failure), and in the mess hall (extreme failure).
In the end, decisions were made on the basis of high school grades or university sports experience. Or, in the case of barracks two, men promising that really and truly, they were good at it.
And so the lists were posted, and the books were opened.
----------------------------------------
Klink was asked to act as judge, with Hogan as co-judge (on the grounds that officers don’t Sport) . Shultz was voted as official recorder by the men, who knew well enough that his stop-watch could be bought with red cross packages; Hogan, equally aware, interceded and took on the job himself, promptly alienating his barracks by ignoring the mens’ winks.
The finish line for the running-events was measured to end in the largest open area inside the wire, where the team games and other events would also take place, to allow for an audience. A platform was constructed for Klink and Hogan, built over dirt brought up from underground and transferred to wheelbarrows, from which the Colonel was handily situated to glare at those skipping tunnel-duty.
Klink had refused to allow a torch, so the athletes proceeded to the open space behind the barracks single-file in their units, with their elected barracks-leader walking in the front holding a lighter. They assembled in rows in front of the porch, each in front of an empty bottle with a roll of paper sticking out the top, and proceeding on cue fro Hogan, lit the paper with the lighters. 20 tiny flames flickering in front of them, they began.
----------------------------------------
“Why did we let Olson run the mile?”
“He swore he had run in school, le menteur! See if I cook dinner for him again!”
“Looks like Burns from 12 is in the lead. ‘Ope ‘e breaks ‘is ruddy leg.”
“There is Kyle, from 6.”
“Probably cheated.”
“Definitely.”
1 Mile:
Gold: Barracks 12
Silver: Barracks 6
Bronze: Barracks 15
----------------------------------------
“Hey, Kinch is doing pretty well. He just passed Stetton-Jones and Manwell.”
“All that football is paying off. Bloody strange sport.”
“Uh-oh, here comes Daniels. Wow, look at him go! D’you think he played football too?”
“I think our stake’s in trouble.”
500 yards:
Gold: Barracks 8
Silver: Barracks 2
Bronze: Barracks 6
----------------------------------------
“Why’re we letting Carter run again?”
“The Colonel said it’d do him good to know we trusted him. You trusted me.”
“You had credentials. ‘E trips over ‘is footlocker twice a week.”
“His footlocker isn’t out here.”
“Well, at least he might take out Bradley; someone’s gotta beat 6 down.”
“Shhh, Klink’s gonna shoot the pistol.”
“Probably forgot to load it.”
Bang
…
“Who knew he could actually run?”
“Ha, Look at the expression on the Colonel’s face.”
“Apparently ‘e didn’t. Maybe ‘e just backing another barracks.”
100 yards:
Gold: Barracks 2
Silver: Barracks 18
Bronze: Barracks 4
----------------------------------------
“Wow, that looks nasty.”
“D’you think we should have height-standardized the chairs?”
“I’m sure he’ll recover. Where’s Stevens?”
“Newkirk?”
“Yeah?”
“That was Stevens.”
“Damn.”
Triathlon:
Gold: Barracks 19
Silver: Barracks 8
Bronze: Barracks 9
1st trip to the infirmary: Barracks 2
----------------------------------------
“You did remember to bring the plastic plates right, Carter?”
“I just took the ones from the first shelf in the mess.”
“Were they plastic?”
“They felt more like ceramic, I think.”
“Ceramic – Carter, they weren’t the good plates were they? With the blue pattern around the edges?”
“There was a bit of blue, kind of stripy…”
“PACKETT, DON’T THROW –”
Plate-toss: CANCELLED.
----------------------------------------
“Who’s helmet are we using?”
“One from the theatre props department; the Colonel wouldn’t let us use the real ones from downstairs and Shulz wouldn’t lend us his. It’s made of paper-mache. Why?”
“Because the wind just blew it over the fence.”
“Huh. You think Klink’ll let us go get it back?”
“What do you think?”
Helmet-put: CANCELLED
----------------------------------------
“This one we’d better bloody well win – we’ve got a varsity football player!”
“Just don’t let him pass to Carter, and it will be fine.”
They didn’t. It was.
Football:
Gold: Barracks 2
Silver: Barracks 14
Bronze: Barracks 3
----------------------------------------
“Wasn’t Stevens our main spiker?”
“Oui.”
“The Colonel’s pretty good at volleyball.”
“Le Colonel refuses to play.”
“Damn.”
“Y’know, guys, I think barracks 6 is cheating.”
“Keep the thinking up, Carter. You’ll catch up soon.”
Volleyball:
Gold: Barracks 6
Silver: Barracks 12
Bronze: Barracks 20
----------------------------------------
“LeBeau, the ball just went in the dog pen. Go get it, quick!”
“I’m not going in there. They do their best acting in the daytime!”
“Fritz is eating our only ball!”
“That’s Prince.”
“Whatever – ‘e’s eating the bloody thing!”
“Oui, but at least he is enjoying it. Perhaps I should bring him some boeuf tonight.”
Pairs Tennis: CANCELLED.
----------------------------------------
“Who is in for arm wrestling?”
“It, er, ahem, might be me.”
“Newkirk!”
“I was school champion!”
“Barracks 13 has Vladimir!”
“Yeah, well. You know what they say: the bigger they are…”
“The harder they crush you?”
“Shut up.”
Arm Wrestling:
Gold: Barracks 13
Silver: Barracks 6
Bronze: Barracks 9
Injuries: Barracks 2
----------------------------------------
“Well, at least we have one advantage.”
“Vraiment? What?”
“I’ve got plenty of experience carrying Carter’s weight on missions.”
“Oui, but metaphors don’t win races. And I think you’re forgetting: he has to carry you as well.”
“We’ll show you.”
And they did.
500 yard piggy-back
Gold: Barracks 2
Silver: Barracks 20
Bronze: Barracks 6
----------------------------------------
Somehow, the work all got done. Cardboard medals on string were awarded by the Kommandant, along with an extra half hour of electricity to the high scorers. Barracks 6 suffered mysterious spontaneous black-outs for two weeks.
It started as a plan to fix the tunnel system, and make a few bucks.
Hogan, watching his men hang their slices of glory up over their bunks, reflected that in the end, they’d all managed to almost forgot about the war for a week.
Series: Hogan's Heroes
Pairing: None
Rating: G
Notes: Rather cracky
Summary: It started as a plan to fix the tunnel system and run a book on the side.
It started as a plan to fix the tunnel system. The summer was unnaturally hot, and the dry earth was falling in in nearly every branch of it, threatening not only danger to anyone caught in the tunnel but to the entire operation if the collapses became apparent from the surface. So they concocted the largest decoy plan they had ever run to cover up the heavy labour being done below the entire camp.
It ended up as a battle for barracks honour, personal pride, and a chance at winning a pot the entire camp was contributing to.
The Stalag 13 Olympics.
----------------------------------------
It became evident very early on that the decoy operation and the actual operation’s roles had become reversed. Barracks 6 was caught out and punished for assigning its least athletic men to the tunnel detail. Barracks 11 and 15, more cunning, ran time trials and collected information on their inhabitants’ past athletic performance and assigned those who didn’t excel in any of the events to be held to the dig. Barracks 8 and 20 signed up immediately for the night shifts.
Barracks 2, seeing the way things were going, immediately started running the official book.
----------------------------------------
“Why is LeBeau in the top five favoured for the sprint?” Hogan, who had learned long ago not to let the men get too far ahead of him with their private enterprises, flipped through the book which was unsurprisingly being kept in the main by Newkirk.
“All that running around with the dogs, sir, ‘e’s got to be fit. Besides, ‘e hardly smokes,” explained Newkirk, tapping his pencil on a row of figures beside the initial estimation.
“Kinch is high too,” mused Hogan, running his eyes down the list of names.
“Long legs, ‘varsity football team.”
“I notice you’ve put yourself down by the bottom, Newkirk.”
“Never was much for track and field, sir. I’m more a team sports man.”
“Yeah, there would be more wallets to steal,” said Hogan. “Hey, why I am I just above you?!”
“Over the ‘ill, sir,” said Newkirk, grinning. Hogan glared, and made to hand the book back before a name caught his eye.
“Wait, why is Carter last?”
“Non-starter, sir.”
Hogan considered, then nodded. “Yep, that sounds about right.”
----------------------------------------
Of course, most of the events were problematic, to say the least. Water sports were clearly out, despite the petitions by Barracks 6 and 13 to conduct diving in the water tower. Gymnastics and cycling were next to go. Equally weapon-sports were excluded, cashiering fenching, shooting, and, despite Carter’s protests, archery. No one even raised equestrian.
The final sports-list, as posted by Newkirk on all barracks bulletin boards, read:
1 team or competitor per barracks. Submit your list to Corporal Newkirk, barracks 2, no later than Wednesday.
Foot Race (100 yards, 500 yards, 1 mile)
Triathlon (1 mile running, 500 yards chair-vaulting, barracks-climb)
Plate-toss
Helmet-put
Football
Volleyball
Pairs Tennis
Arm Wrestling
500 yard piggy-back (note: partners must switch at 250 yard mark
----------------------------------------
Needless to say, each barracks ran its own tryouts. Also needless to say, with an estimated pot of several grand resting on the outcomes, secrecy reined supreme (lose lips sink bets).
Unfortunately, it was their prowess in events requiring the most space which each barracks was ignorant of. Several barracks – 6, as always, prominent among them leading to a rather predictable rhyme – attempted to run tests underground before Hogan caught them and threatened court-martial for even militarily unnecessary levels of stupidity. After that they did their best to conduct sprinting tests inside (failure), outside at night (failure), and in the mess hall (extreme failure).
In the end, decisions were made on the basis of high school grades or university sports experience. Or, in the case of barracks two, men promising that really and truly, they were good at it.
And so the lists were posted, and the books were opened.
----------------------------------------
Klink was asked to act as judge, with Hogan as co-judge (on the grounds that officers don’t Sport) . Shultz was voted as official recorder by the men, who knew well enough that his stop-watch could be bought with red cross packages; Hogan, equally aware, interceded and took on the job himself, promptly alienating his barracks by ignoring the mens’ winks.
The finish line for the running-events was measured to end in the largest open area inside the wire, where the team games and other events would also take place, to allow for an audience. A platform was constructed for Klink and Hogan, built over dirt brought up from underground and transferred to wheelbarrows, from which the Colonel was handily situated to glare at those skipping tunnel-duty.
Klink had refused to allow a torch, so the athletes proceeded to the open space behind the barracks single-file in their units, with their elected barracks-leader walking in the front holding a lighter. They assembled in rows in front of the porch, each in front of an empty bottle with a roll of paper sticking out the top, and proceeding on cue fro Hogan, lit the paper with the lighters. 20 tiny flames flickering in front of them, they began.
----------------------------------------
“Why did we let Olson run the mile?”
“He swore he had run in school, le menteur! See if I cook dinner for him again!”
“Looks like Burns from 12 is in the lead. ‘Ope ‘e breaks ‘is ruddy leg.”
“There is Kyle, from 6.”
“Probably cheated.”
“Definitely.”
1 Mile:
Gold: Barracks 12
Silver: Barracks 6
Bronze: Barracks 15
----------------------------------------
“Hey, Kinch is doing pretty well. He just passed Stetton-Jones and Manwell.”
“All that football is paying off. Bloody strange sport.”
“Uh-oh, here comes Daniels. Wow, look at him go! D’you think he played football too?”
“I think our stake’s in trouble.”
500 yards:
Gold: Barracks 8
Silver: Barracks 2
Bronze: Barracks 6
----------------------------------------
“Why’re we letting Carter run again?”
“The Colonel said it’d do him good to know we trusted him. You trusted me.”
“You had credentials. ‘E trips over ‘is footlocker twice a week.”
“His footlocker isn’t out here.”
“Well, at least he might take out Bradley; someone’s gotta beat 6 down.”
“Shhh, Klink’s gonna shoot the pistol.”
“Probably forgot to load it.”
Bang
…
“Who knew he could actually run?”
“Ha, Look at the expression on the Colonel’s face.”
“Apparently ‘e didn’t. Maybe ‘e just backing another barracks.”
100 yards:
Gold: Barracks 2
Silver: Barracks 18
Bronze: Barracks 4
----------------------------------------
“Wow, that looks nasty.”
“D’you think we should have height-standardized the chairs?”
“I’m sure he’ll recover. Where’s Stevens?”
“Newkirk?”
“Yeah?”
“That was Stevens.”
“Damn.”
Triathlon:
Gold: Barracks 19
Silver: Barracks 8
Bronze: Barracks 9
1st trip to the infirmary: Barracks 2
----------------------------------------
“You did remember to bring the plastic plates right, Carter?”
“I just took the ones from the first shelf in the mess.”
“Were they plastic?”
“They felt more like ceramic, I think.”
“Ceramic – Carter, they weren’t the good plates were they? With the blue pattern around the edges?”
“There was a bit of blue, kind of stripy…”
“PACKETT, DON’T THROW –”
Plate-toss: CANCELLED.
----------------------------------------
“Who’s helmet are we using?”
“One from the theatre props department; the Colonel wouldn’t let us use the real ones from downstairs and Shulz wouldn’t lend us his. It’s made of paper-mache. Why?”
“Because the wind just blew it over the fence.”
“Huh. You think Klink’ll let us go get it back?”
“What do you think?”
Helmet-put: CANCELLED
----------------------------------------
“This one we’d better bloody well win – we’ve got a varsity football player!”
“Just don’t let him pass to Carter, and it will be fine.”
They didn’t. It was.
Football:
Gold: Barracks 2
Silver: Barracks 14
Bronze: Barracks 3
----------------------------------------
“Wasn’t Stevens our main spiker?”
“Oui.”
“The Colonel’s pretty good at volleyball.”
“Le Colonel refuses to play.”
“Damn.”
“Y’know, guys, I think barracks 6 is cheating.”
“Keep the thinking up, Carter. You’ll catch up soon.”
Volleyball:
Gold: Barracks 6
Silver: Barracks 12
Bronze: Barracks 20
----------------------------------------
“LeBeau, the ball just went in the dog pen. Go get it, quick!”
“I’m not going in there. They do their best acting in the daytime!”
“Fritz is eating our only ball!”
“That’s Prince.”
“Whatever – ‘e’s eating the bloody thing!”
“Oui, but at least he is enjoying it. Perhaps I should bring him some boeuf tonight.”
Pairs Tennis: CANCELLED.
----------------------------------------
“Who is in for arm wrestling?”
“It, er, ahem, might be me.”
“Newkirk!”
“I was school champion!”
“Barracks 13 has Vladimir!”
“Yeah, well. You know what they say: the bigger they are…”
“The harder they crush you?”
“Shut up.”
Arm Wrestling:
Gold: Barracks 13
Silver: Barracks 6
Bronze: Barracks 9
Injuries: Barracks 2
----------------------------------------
“Well, at least we have one advantage.”
“Vraiment? What?”
“I’ve got plenty of experience carrying Carter’s weight on missions.”
“Oui, but metaphors don’t win races. And I think you’re forgetting: he has to carry you as well.”
“We’ll show you.”
And they did.
500 yard piggy-back
Gold: Barracks 2
Silver: Barracks 20
Bronze: Barracks 6
----------------------------------------
Somehow, the work all got done. Cardboard medals on string were awarded by the Kommandant, along with an extra half hour of electricity to the high scorers. Barracks 6 suffered mysterious spontaneous black-outs for two weeks.
It started as a plan to fix the tunnel system, and make a few bucks.
Hogan, watching his men hang their slices of glory up over their bunks, reflected that in the end, they’d all managed to almost forgot about the war for a week.
